I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
