I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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