She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
