allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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