Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
