yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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