I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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