she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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