Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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