Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I smell like Dick and happiness
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