She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
