Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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