And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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