get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
