Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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