How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
