He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
