Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
