I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
