i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
