i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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