i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
