At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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