I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
