did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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