Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
