my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Vodka?
Forever.
You made out with two different species that night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
