I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
