Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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