she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Two words: nipple clamps
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