i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
