She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
