Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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