I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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