isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
