So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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