Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
