Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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