You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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