Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
