This dress was meant to end up on your floor
no, he came in my armpit
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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