Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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