the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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