you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
this will be a night to untag.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
