I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
