His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
babies were throwing up all over the place
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
