You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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