I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
