My first STD was from a foam party
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
