Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Randomize
