A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
