I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
