I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Still dying that you shit outside
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
